I miss home

OK so I’m having a mild anxiety attack of sorts (I think, and also, even in the midst of it I’m thinking ‘how cool, my 1st legit psychological affliction’) and because google is the new universal therapist/doctor/nanny/Jeeves, I ask it for advice on how to stop anxiety. If there was a place I could register a complaint about the internet (voila! blogging!) I’d register an official one about number 9 on the first list I stumbled across on the trusty-sounding ‘calm clinic.com’. Twas ‘make love’. Um, I mean really? I get that it is a legit technique to calm ourselves but WHAT ABOUT THOSE OF US WHOSE ANXIETY STEMS FROM LONELINESS? That’s about 90 percent, I should think. So there, we are, having breathed air and drunked tea and all that, almost calm, and you remind us BANG! You ain’t got no lovin in your life. Suddenly its reason number nine to FEEL anxiety not stop it.

I need me a real Jeeves.

I’m freaking out because I’m moving. Yes, its ridiculous, but I have problems with letting things go. Freud would trace it to that stage of development where you hold things in your south-most aperture unnecessarily. Its, true, I kind of do have a stick up my ass. I hate letting things go, I hate saying bye, I’m a hoarder and a narcissist and god help me, apparently, a hormonal lady as well.

Ugh, sometimes I honestly hate that I studied psychology. Ignorance is bliss goes right out the window. And I’m almost too good at not being in self-denial.

I guess if I had AWESOME things lined up for the future, I’d be more excited and less scared (though still anxious.) As it is, the immediate future is very uncertain. I have no job, work ex, or internships lined up although that is the sole reason I’m spending 3 lakhs of my parents money to stay here. I’m also staying at a slightly over priced place with an Iranian lady that I’m afraid is going to a) judge my horrible life and be a total bitch and bully in the bargain b) will run away with all the money I gave her so far, leaving me 300 pounds short and with no home on Friday morning.

Present lifestyle, life of last one year, is certainly over. It was such a great life. I’m afraid I’ll never be so free, so happy, so fulfilled again. I’m afraid I missed the best opportunities of my life. I KNOW that I left a lot of things too late, but I’m afraid that makes me a failure for the rest of my life. This was the high point; its all downhill from here.

Those are my fears. I can’t stop this horrid feeling.

But I’m going to be OKAY. This is just my usual birthday anxiety (ITS A THING) and hormones. I was the SAME last year, when I’d just won a scholarhship and was looking forward to a fantastic year abroad. And it DID turn out fantastic, even though, even then, I’d left lots of things too late. So this will be fine too. It has an equal chance of being fine. And there is a safety net here: the failure will just be mine. No one else will really consider it as such except me. So its fine. I’m fine.

My happy song is ‘Home’, by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes.


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